Tolstoy used the Russian word for torment, and various derivatives of the word, 70 times in “Anna Karenina.” He used it only in reference to love. I relate.
Love has never been a comfort or source of joy in my life, it has mostly brought me pain and disappointment. Montaigne liked to quote Ovid on the point, that a woman who wishes to reign over a lover should scorn him.
In Tolstoy, we see cycles of scorn and torment, one person breaking another’s heart, whose heart is then broken by someone who in turn breaks another. It gives me some perspective. Like, for example, when I feel snubbed or scorned by someone, I rarely take it out on that person, but often find myself treating other people in my life worse as a result.
So perhaps when someone scorns me, and there is one who does it to me so regularly she may not even be aware of it, it could have nothing to do with me, she could be passing on the pain from someone treating her poorly.
We all torment one another because of our impossible desires, and we return to it not because we expect any ultimate satisfaction or release, but just because even the hint of success is enough to keep going, to keep wishing.
We seek it out not because we enjoy the pleasure, but because we are addicted to the torment. The longing exists only for sake of the longing. Personal happiness through romantic love, as Tolstoy has noted elsewhere, is impossible.
Only the activity of love, separate from the ego, can create lasting joy.
English