Part of my difficulty this week has been not having my kids with me and hearing news about one of them. That made me worry without a means of checking in. Fortunately, that same child dropped by the apartment after school today and even though he left before talking about any of the news he dropped yesterday, just seeing him was reassuring and allowed some of my intuition to kick in.
Without getting into any detail, my fears have subsided somewhat. I think my child is on a journey of discovery, not some final destination. One of the things I’ve always been most proud of with this child has been his fierce independence. He’s extraordinarily stubborn, I feel like it’s impossible to ask him to do anything, but that also means that he’s not easily influenced. He’s unmistakably himself at all times.
And that’s part of what freaked me out yesterday. I’m not used to hearing pronouncements from him. If he tells me something, I pay close attention because that’s so rare. And in this case the announcement just didn’t fit anything that I know about him, so it was all the more startling.
Gender is a such a confusing thing, especially given that it doesn’t directly correlate to sexuality. My intuition tells me that this child is having a hard time relating to a traditional male gender role, but that doesn’t mean he identifies as a woman. I’m not sure if he’s come to that conclusion yet, but I’m pretty sure that’s where he’ll end up.
I hope that he recognizes that things like personality and gender are ultimately our own inventions. We vary and waiver constantly, we self create every aspect of ourselves we show the world. I hope he recognizes in time that it’s good to be complex and it’s ok if that means others will have to take time to get to know him. Those are the people in life most worth knowing.
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